Of Breastfeeding and Motherhood

Mira was born at 2.9kgs via ‘e’ CS. I was so eager and decided to do breastfeeding right after giving birth. Thankful with the NICU Nurse Ms Jane helped me initiate breastfeeding when I woke up in the PACU. She gave Mira to me, taught me how I can make Mira latch on me and never left my side until Mira was calmly latching. I fed Mira on demand. Changed her clothes and nappies. Cuddle her to sleep. 



I taught we were doing great in taking care of her until Day 3, she had an infection in her umbilical cord. We left the hospital with Mira having an IV line for antibiotics. On day 4, I noticed she is more yellowish than normal.  Pedia Doctor said it is physiologic and can still be cured with sunlight.



When we were almost done with her IV antibiotics, Day 8, I noticed her jaundiced is getting worst. It was Valentine’s Day, I asked Cj if we can go to the Pedia Doctor because I think Mira is sick. She also hasn’t passed her poop since day 5. We were immediately admitted at Tagaytay Medical Center. Initially we were treated for Hyperbilirubinemia secondary to ABO incompatibility. Mira’s blood type was B+, mine is O+. Mira’s blood cells were destructing my blood cells thats inside her resulting to increase in bilirubin in her body, causing her skin to be yellowish. 



She was under phototherapy for 24hrs to help secrete the bilirubin thats been causing the jaundice. On day 2 of hospitalization, they found infection on her urine and the Pedia Doctor wanted to start a broad spectrum antibiotic. I was reluctant. I refused and even signed a waiver. Being a nurse, I’m afraid I’m putting my daughter in danger. But I didn’t want to show my weakness until my husband looked at me and gave me a hug. I cried. Bucket of tears. I never thought I was this weak but I needed to be tough. For Mira. For Cj. I never knew I was experiencing Post Partum Depression already.


After a night of crying, discussing and praying.. we decided to transfer Mira on a more reliable hospital in Manila. Again, she had to be poked with needles. I always ask Cj if he can manage to look while Doctor’s are doing it to Mira. They even had to extract blood from her arterial vein. Working in an emergency room, I know how painful that is!!! How much more for my little one. My heart is breaking into pieces. Barely can’t look at it but I had to hold my daughter’s hand, make sure she doesn’t move while the Doctor injects the needle. Mira was braved. She barely even cried during the procedures. When she’ll be held after the procedure, thats the only time she cries. Again, we were in the hospital for 5 days. I’m glad of the quality medical management we received. Mira undergo a test to check if she is already in a state of sepsis. Her urine, stool and blood was check. While waiting for results, she was under phototherapy and IV hydration. It was hard for me and Cj, cause Mira doesn’t like to be under her bili light. She wanted to be cuddled all the time. I looked at my husband, I feel how tired he is already. He’s been working at daytime and help me care for Mira at night time.


At day 3, she has shown great progress. Her body was less yellowish. But our Pedia Doctor, told us we needed to have Mira take formula milk. FORMULA MILK. Yes, formula milk. Mira has been losing weight unusually. She was 2.5kgs 12 days after birth. Normally, newborns lose 10% of their birthweight but must return to the same weight on the 10th day after birth. 


Eventually, we find out the real cause of her jaundice. All her laboratory examination for infection tested negative. She was severely dehydrated. DEHYDRATED. Causing her to turn into yellow. Causing her bilirubin to increase at a rate critical enough to cause brain damage. Causing her not to pass out stool for more than 5 days. All of this, boils down to my decision to breastfeed. Since birth, she was breastfeeding on me yet I have low milk supply. I thought I was giving her enough. I thought. Until that day. 



I cried to the Lord. I cried to Cj. He’s the only person I am comfortable to cry on. His shoulders has been my resting haven. All I was thinking is that I am no longer enough for Mira. And that I am a bad mother for not noticing it earlier. I was self blaming. I felt like I didnt deserve to be her mother. I thought I was breastfeeding her correctly. I checked on the latch, I feed her on her demand. But I never saw the early signs(not passing out stool, I thought it was normal as what some of the nurses and doctors I asked) I FAIL AS A MOTHER! 

As much as it hurts me, I had to give in. We have to Mix Feed Mira. Meaning I have to breastfeed her and top up some formula milk so she can regain her weight. I am thankful for friends who have turned family during this time. I needed extra breastmilk stash, so I posted on our online community group named N@W. Glad they immediately replied and after a day or 2, breastmilk kept arriving on our hospital door. Some even had to pay us a visit and bring their breastmilk personally.


We left Makati Medical Center on February 21,2018. 15 days after Mira was born. She was 2.7kgs. I thought it will be easier now that we are home and she is no longer need injections.



Our first night at home, Finally!!! I looked at Mira and my tears just began to fall. My daughter is now free from all the procedure and injections she had to go through. The next day came, then the next and the next.. Day went by so fast. On her 1st month, we had her Pedia check up. She was 3.2kgs, still on mix feeding. See! She only gained 500 grams in a month! On the 2nd month, she was 4.3kgs. That is when I started weaning her from formula and bottle feeding. I’m scared cause she might be nipple confuse.



On March 11,2018, our first wedding anniversary. Mira was totally weanes from her bottle feeding. She was back and once again directly latching on me. I tried all the means to increase my breastmilk. Cj bought me malunggay capsules and lactation treats, even an electric breast pump. My food intake is always warm, has ‘sabaw’ and with malunggay. Thank you Ate Luz (Cj’s yaya since birth) for cooking halaan with malunggay. My milk was literally spilling on my shirt!!!


I never know how much tears I shed. Nobody knows how much pain I had to go through. Nobody knows how much Cj and I had to go through the first three months of being a parent. We cry every night in the hospital. We cry while Mira is sleeping. We cry while we pray for her. We cry while we ask the Lord to keep Mira safe everyday. We cry while we plead not to take her away from us. And every single time I remember those days and nights, my heart is crying.

  

During those times, Cj was my pillar of strength, the wind beneath my wings, my tough shoulder to lean on and most specially my home. There was a time I thought the Lord want to take Mira’s life. I was devastated. I was begging Him not to take her away from us. I offered my life and was down on my knees crying. I overcome the sleepless nights, sore breasts, cracked nipples, back breaking pains, all of this while I was recuperating from my C section. I always tell Cj, ‘Siguro ang purpose ni Lord kaya pinarecovery niya ako agad kahit CS ako, kasi para maalagaan ko si Mira’. Cj got his strength from the Lord. I am grateful that all these time, Cj has been so strong. Had he been weak, I might not make it through it all. Every night we pray, we ask for Mira’s full healing and recovery. And we claim it. And yes, the Lord is so good. By his stripes, Mira was healed. 



By this time of writing, Mira is almost 3 months and 2 weeks old. She weighs 6 kgs and is now exclusively breastfeeding on me. My milk supply is almost stable. Sometimes I am oversupplying!! I saw a Lactation Counselor to learn more about breastfeeding and had breasts massage cause of clogged ducts.




The reason why I am writing this is because it’s mother’s day. My first ever mother’s day. And there is no better way to celebrate my journey to motherhood and breastfeeding than through sharing our real life Miracle. 


This is our Miracle. Mira is our Miracle. And every single day, we thank the Lord for her. For her life tha has changed our lives. ❤


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